Letters: This is why I never got into a relationship with you.

Hope this find you well and it’s time to get this off my chest. I have learnt to never settle for less than the best which is what I deserve. I was never in any serious relationship with this men but I had a liking towards them but not romantically.
I’ve been in love with someone that didn’t love me back, and I’ve been loved by someone that I didn’t love back. I don’t know which is worse: to be broken or to break another soul?

Dear Brian,
I met you while I was still in high school and I vividly remember how our paths did cross each other on one Sunday afternoon as I was coming out of the shop while you were from church. You were behind me (probably admiring my tiny ass) as I walked with a bag in my hand and I was distracted with this s**y voice saying “Excuse me, umeangusha 50 bob”. I looked down only for you to say it’s a lie and a beautiful laugh emanated from you which I laughed along to. Immediately you introduced yourself and your voice was the most beautiful thing I had ever heard coming from a man (smooth plus gentle) and I must admit it made my heart skip a bit. We walked together and got to know each other and by then you were a student in Strathmore University pursuing Information Technology. I got to know that you were also a church leader and within the 15 minutes we walked I got to laugh and truly enjoyed your company and I gave you my digits for I desired to be in your presence again.

Immediately we would chat in the middle of the night and you’d tell me all the sweet words that I was desperate to hear (they would make me jump in my room) and days later our conversations became all sexual. I was naïve by then and I started learning new things that I didn’t know about and it was because of you. You’d tell me from your side how the heat was in containable and your messages were nasty to a point I was disgusted and had to tell you to stop it. (I might have been young but there are things I couldn’t entertain). You apologized and you surely did stop it but our conversations dwindled as days went by. I went back to school and during mid-term I’d text you and other days tell my friends who would go home in between the term to say hi to you.

I finished high school and you were the only friend I knew who was in campus and I surely wanted to get to hear from you about your experience since that was my next chapter. I wanted us to meet but I got bored with how insecure you were with yourself. I looked like a dummy myself(with high school fat, big burst, protruding belly) but I didn’t care and each day you’d talk of how you were short, had a pimpled face and you looked down on yourself even after I told you, I appreciated how you were. No one is perfect and I do not judge people by their appearance but the content they have in them. The day we had agreed to meet, you decided to switch off your phone and it annoyed me to the core. You were a pure soul but afterwards I started seeing your insecurities and started viewing you just like you did.

You tried to reach out for a few months but I quickly told you I had moved on which was a lie. You were an amazing human being but I wished you’d not look down on yourself for there was so much potential in you. There was so much goodness in you but I couldn’t date a man who kept on singing about his insecurities and I’m sorry about that. I have mine but I present myself out there very confidently and I would have expected you to do the same. Hope you are now in a great space.

With Love,From Leah.

Dear Kevin,
Why were you boring?
How we met is not that interesting but let me just talk about it. It was right after high school around May when I joined this university for computer classes then you came in one month later and the lecturer requested that I should lend you my book so you can copy the notes and that’s how I got to know you. For the rest of the months we were just classmates since we never got to interact closely so I wouldn’t say we were friends.

After we completed the computer classes that’s when you decided to take my number from the whatsapp group and text which I found really annoying for all along, we did vibe but never did you ask for my number only for you to say you thought I was in a relationship. You just assumed and never asked. (This is why some guys remain bachelors) .Anyway, I did let that go and I thought probably I was petty. (I am the queen of pettiness).
This is where you began pouring your heart out of how you had a crush on me (it doesn’t get me by surprise, I’m so used to this) and trying to shoot weak shots which died before they got to me. I was patient because if there is one thing I have learnt is to accommodate people as long as they are respectful and know their position. We kept the wheel rolling as friends with the boring conversations but I tried to spice them up therefore it gave me the opportunity to enjoy being the king of the jungle. I would roar and you would obey for I was now the commander in chief and it’s a role I played perfectly.

I had just turned 18 years old and having read uncountable romantic novels in the wattpadd application, I felt that it was time to make what I was reading my reality and you were the first to come in thought (I like brown skin guys and that’s why I did consider you). I never saw you being part of my future but in my mind I felt it was right if I did it with you(to do away with it) and at that point in time I had no conviction just a teenager who wanted to live life. I never made it obvious and never did you read the signs and when I look back I’m so grateful that your eyes were shut in that period I got to know you, because probably I’d be looking back and having a trail of guilt plus shame.

I hated the only constructive conversation we would have was how beautiful I am and how you intend to spend the rest of my life with me.(I’d roll my eyes for I couldn’t imagine it). I hated how you would apologize all the time for small things such as not replying in time and forgetting to profess your love. I would open your text and immediately I would be on the verge of going into a comma (the same old nonsense) and that is how I became the queen of blue ticks till date.

Why did I hang around? You were going through so much with your parents’ divorce and I did not want to be the salt in the wound causing it to bleed further. Each day you became obsessed with me and I decided to end the dramatic and boring ‘situation ship’ we had (for my initial plan didn’t prevail) for you added nothing to my life experience and all you did was take, take and take yet you never did give. Imagine I do not have any memories of joy with you all I have is boredom. I am even bored while writing about you.

I still remember when you called while sobbing in the middle of the night and threatened to commit suicide because I said I did not want to be your girlfriend. Why would you do that? I was in a state of shock just begging you to reconsider your decision and almost went mad. I decided to delete your number and never heard anything from you until 3 years later in 2019 but I kept in contact with your cousin who told me of your progress.
You were still boring (OMG) thought that you’d have changed. You gave me a chance to select where you’d want us to meet and I did the honors (I still wanted to confirm if this is the guy that almost ruined my life by threatening to leave a letter that I was the cause of what he wanted to do) and when we met up you delayed by 20 minutes. I was very angry and that is why once we got in the restaurant I decided to order the most expensive food while you drank a cup of coffee and I would see the veins of anger in your face but I didn’t care for I couldn’t take cheap food and be a part of a boring conversation.
Anyway, all the best in your life but you need to up your game.

From Leah.

You are such a disgrace to the originator of that name. I am ashamed to have even crossed paths with you and if I saw you again I would just pretend I don’t know you. I’m glad nothing ever happened between us for you loved your alcohol more and you hugged it tight.

Dear Edwin,
You are indeed a beautiful soul and whoever will find you will be lucky plus it’s my hope you found happiness and someone to explore life with. I really enjoyed your company.
I will go back to how I got to meet you. It was one evening as I was having a conversation with my friend who informed me that she had a cousin who happened to be single and was looking for ‘somebody’ and she felt that I was the right candidate. I decided why not give it a shot furthermore I was single but had no plan of being a part of something serious for I felt my puzzle was not complete. (I was going through a tough period in my life).

We kicked it off with whatsapp conversations that would go past midnight and I must say you were interesting just like your life was and this got me hooked to the phone. I kept on postponing our meet up and one day accompanied by your cousin we finally got to meet and sincerely speaking I did not like what I saw but your beautiful plus pure soul made me overlook that. We enjoyed the day and we kept the wheel rolling with endless phone calls and texts and my cheeks would hurt from smiling.
I remember our second date was in the movie theatre (garden city) where we were only four people and that’s where you decided to blow me a kiss and my lips which had been in dry spell season for ages were very receptive. Afterwards we ate and later went to watch the sky which was adorned with numerous stars plus the moon, which fascinated you and till date I never understood your magnetism towards them. As we started getting to know each other the more you became vulnerable and I realized how much of a broken guy you were. I would call and your shaky voice would answer and I’d know you were on the verge of tears something that would break my heart. I have always felt the responsibility towards people who are broken and be there for them then try to fix them. You were in one of the prestigious universities here in Kenya and I did advice you to go see a counsellor to help you and give advice for your case was not to be taken lightly. The fact that you kept on talking about death really scared me.

We met several times later and our connection continued getting deeper while I started being cautious of the route that we were heading to. I realized how I was your route to happiness but things started getting heated and I had already made a line on the ground with my 6 inch high stiletto which we were not going to go beyond. We would play all the games but I tried so hard not to get close to that line because my intention was to make you a wolf howling at a moon you’d never have which you eventually became.

We were two different people and I knew somehow if I got into the ocean of love there are things I’d have to compromise which I was unwilling to do. I wanted you to make a small act of faith in my direction and probably the greatest barrier would fall bit by bit. You were an atheist while I was a Christian who was drawing closer to God, you were an alcoholic while I was a soberer, you were short while I was almost piercing the sky, you were a softie while I was hardcore, you were living the life of the party while I was an established homebody and many more differences that I’d do the equation and I did not need a calculator to get the answer.
I had no idea how I would tell you but there was need to stop this game because one of us would come out of the field totally wounded. I never told you anything but our communication started fading away which was my joy and that is how it ended up.

One year later we re-united after I reached out because your cousin informed me you’d kept on asking about me. I did not know I had made a huge mistake because you now thought and was hopeful something beautiful would come out of this, this time round but I had to make it clear from the word go. You were heartbroken but I had no choice. I knew that another person could do well where I might had done harm, could have helped but not hurt could be your peace and comfort.
All the best.
From Leah.

There are others in between but I don’t intend on wasting time writing about them. I decided to write this after reading letters of women narrating why they were cheating on their husbands (Don’t joke with women)and since I don’t have a lover I decided to write letters to this men as to why I never dated them. I’m so selective and I wonder is there something wrong with me. Imagine this guys are in relationships and one already is a father,!!1like how!!!!

My happiness is a balloon

My happiness is an elusive balloon waiting for me to grab it, floating from side to side with the wind, across oceans, big green meadows, tread and brooks, rustic pastoral scenes and rain swept sidewalks. First high, barely visible, far out of reach, then low, almost within reach, blown here and there by Strong currents of wind, a wind one moment heartless and sadistic, the nest gently compassionate.

The wind of fate and in it rests our lives

From: The other side of me by Sidney Sheldon.

I am a proud teetotaler

Teetotaler-A person who does not drink alcohol.

I have never had any relationship with alcohol and all my life I have stayed away from it. In the past I had the struggle of admitting to people I came across that I do not consume alcohol because I felt it was a norm especially in the university and so I had to create a perception so that I could fit in. I do not like clubbing or partying and the question that I have been consistently asked is how “I enjoy my life”. One of the things that has bothered me in this journey of sobriety is how people have tried to inflict change forcefully and make me feel as though I was missing out in life which I have never felt. I do not hold any negative opinion on alcohol or anyone using it but they should also respect those who don’t. In my own opinion it’s an adventure not worth having at all. This is a decision that I made when I was young but along the way there a few times (thrice) I did not stand on my own ground because I desperately wanted to fit in.

It is a stand that will never waver for I want to go through my youthful unshaken. This is what propelled me to write this article.

There is this amazing guy who has been reaching out for a while for us to meet but it never happened not until yesterday we finally got to meet after one year since we had crossed each other’s paths. We got into this hotel which is more of a club that had loud music that almost tore my ears (I’m used to tranquil scenes) but I had to persevere because the agenda was to Network. Adulting is hard I swear. At first I was shocked when I got in because immediately my eyesight was slapped with a bar which I did not expect then on the other side there was this couple that had decided to make the couches their bedroom and I started overthinking considering it was in the wee hours but I won’t tell you what (your guess is right) but my pretense side endured for long and I salute it for that. It’s been a while since I had been in a club. Anyway, it was time to order and he asked what drink I’d want to take and my mind went paaaaalaaaaamashaaang, boom: I DO NOT DRINK. The shock on his face is one that I will never forget but I have seen it several times in others and he went to ask further questions which I declined to answer and he made a sarcastic comment that I should order tea. Thankfully there was food which I ordered together with a glass of juice and I saw those funny stares 😧that send a lot of messages but I gave the blind eye. Imagine being the only one consuming a different drink from the rest😀😀. We had a great evening (well I am lying, with that noise, thought I’d be deaf) but I appreciate him for he did not push me and respected my decision but in his head there must have been numerous questions.

I have come across guys who’ve said that they cannot date ladies who don’t drink which is foolish when one thinks about it. Just accept people as they are.

There is narrative that if you don’t consume alcohol you are missing out in life which is not the case for I am enjoying my youthfulness. Having friends whom we share the same principle has been of great help in fighting social pressure and it also has to do with how I was raised. This may sound like an oxymoron to many people but it’s my reality. It’s not an easy decision but I consider it to be the best for me considering that I have underlying health issues.
Yes, I’m a proud teetotaler.

Bloody steps will mark a woman’s way to freedom.

When Christ fainted under His cross, Simon was permitted to carry it. A woman is fainting under a too heavy cross, is there no Simon to carry it for her.

After so much thought, it is right for me to get to a conclusion that in all the phases of a woman’s life, she is an endangered species and cannot allow herself to be free anywhere without accommodating the question, what can come out of this? It is also right to state that there are no safe spaces for women. The path of a woman is laid with scattered thorns and carefully she has to tread not to step on them and unlikely she is to come out of it, without encountering even a prick but lucky she will, if she probably does. Some of this thorns prick too deep causing a hefty damage and the victim has to live with the aftermath for a lifetime but some barely get underneath the surface but they give a scare.

How strong a woman is? Despite all that she is exposed to and has to encounter at the end of it all she emerges strong ready to take on higher challenges because of the inner strength and resilience which is never shattered.

The serpent has used its wisdom to extract greater sweetness from the dove regardless of its age and all it cares is about its satisfaction. It is so sad that young girls who are supposed to be enjoying their childhood are being forced into adulthood prematurely due to the atrocities being done on them and all they will hold is painful memories of a childhood that was stolen from them and that will always be embedded in their minds.

As if I had not seen much, I had to see this headline on the newspaper that left me in a state of shock and having watery eyes “Horror of pastor who ‘defiled and impregnated teen daughters’. The daughters are aged 14 and 16 and have since dropped out of school. I held my chin as I thought of this young girls who will have to live with the consequences of this heinous act done to them by their biological father who was supposed to protect them in their safe space.

What must this world look like to Thee, when it looks so black to me? Black with the devilishness all of man and not of devil.

I never got to watch the famous BBC documentary until late last year “Sex for grades” and it’s saddening that the place where a woman has gone in search for the crucial weapon that will enable her to navigate the universe and conquer it, becomes a place of emotional and physical abuse. Those who do not accept the demands of this male lecturers are left with no option other than leave their studies before attaining full literacy or give in into their advances which scars them for life. Their light that was bright begins to dim.

As if it is not enough for a woman to bear, transitioning to the working environment she finds other challenges awaiting her compounded of financial exploitation, sexual abuse and general social harassment.

The covid-19 pandemic has seen an acute increase in sexual and Gender –Based violence due to increased exposure to perpetrators who happen to be in their midst. When this tiny virus from thousands of miles away brought the entire world on its knees, this was the beginning of doom for many women around the world. Sexual, physical and emotional violence became a part of their lifestyles and many had to go and seek shelters in rescue centers while others persevered through it all. Last year was the most devastating for women and young girls as they got locked down with abusers as the world tried to curb the spread of corona virus.

At the beginning of this year a story surfaced about how girls in a secondary school were being sexually violated and they made endless reports but were not believed. They persisted enough till the truth was out. It sad that schools that are supposed to be safe spaces for learners has turned out to be a den of sexual abuse.

The schools resumed this year but a huge percentage of young girls did not due to the fact that many got pregnant and their education was cut short. But I am happy that the government is encouraging pregnant girls to resume to school despite their condition for it will indicate that there is still hope at the end of the tunnel.

The life of a women is full of trials but we shall overcome it all. What wrong have the women done to deserve all this cruelty? I was reading a magazine from 1998 and the entire magazine was about activism against Gender Based Violence and I was shocked there is nothing new about GBV cases for they are all similar and has always existed. And one question I asked myself, Will it ever come to an end?

Never until the veil is taken off, all hearts will it be known how much the world owes to women, how much evil she has had to conceal with ill-judged clemency and disastrous consequences.

Sad state of affairs in my country.

I wrote this last year after listening to Commander in chief, by an American superstar Demi Lovato. Its one of my favorite songs and it was an inspiration behind this article

It is very evident that no court in my country will ever sentence a wealthy criminal regardless of the magnitude of their crime. Several high profile individuals have been charged but most cases have not been concluded for they go on for years and afterwards the final judgment is that they are innocent due to lack of evidence. That is why we have a governor who is still in office and running around freely two years later despite having murder and corruption charges, bestowed on him yet a poor man who stole chicken is serving a 5 year jail term.

How do we still have a man walking freely after stealing billions of money from the health insurance funds that citizens pay monthly from their hard earned money? It is sad that citizens of this country deny themselves food to send money for health insurance only to end up hearing someone is using it for their personal needs and living luxuriously and still years later, nothing has been done about it. How can one steal money meant for patients and sleep peacefully at night? How do they sleep because if I did the things you did I couldn’t sleep?

There are two kinds of people in this lifetime: those who are here to live and the “inferior” who are here to die and I think it’s time we make peace with that. That is why politicians will lament when their fellow colleague dies due to lack of oxygen in a local hospital which it’s their mandate to ensure it is well equipped with health facilities but when a poor citizen dies, nobody cares. As if their lives are more sacred than the rest, they go ahead to demand access to helicopter services to transfer them to high end hospitals wherever they would be, should they fall sick especially when they are in the villages, where there are no proper medical facilities. It so sad to see the entitlement they have as though the lives of the other people do not matter.

It has become clear that during any political contest violence has to erupt because our systems have tricked us to believe that fighting peacefully is politically weak. I have been telling people I have no intention of ever voting because it is clear that majority of the leaders don’t care about the people’s needs as they claim to during their campaigns. Instead of being concerned about development by initiating projects that would benefit the people especially in this period whereby people are in dire need, they are busy campaigning for the forthcoming elections which are to be held 2022. People are dying from their poor leadership, yet all they are concerned is to ensure they grab their seat so that they can continue catering for their needs. I thought during this pandemic, they would be campaigning for better medical care to guarantee the well-being of the Kenyan citizens. Our leaders are purely selfish considering the fact that they are holding this huge political gatherings in the midst of an epidemic, something that has led to increase of people who are testing positive for the virus.

King kaka sang “wajinga nyinyi” (you fools) and I bet some people are indeed fools. I blame those who are attending those gatherings yet they know once they contact the virus, they are incapable of paying the hospital bills since the insurance fund can no longer cater for them. As for the politicians once they get in contact with it, the government will foot the bills so that is not a major concern for them. What is wrong with people?

Murderers will continue remaining among us. Our lawyers will defend this perpetrators and give false information and I can’t help but wonder why it doesn’t bother their conscience knowing very well a murderer will be out there and is capable of killing another. We all know here in Kenya the name of the lawyer that criminals run to. It is very clear to me that some lawyers all they care about is representing a wealthy client who will pay them a lot of money to represent their interest. I think the message that is being communicated is that as long as you have money you can commit any crime and get away with it. I remember a well-known lawyer likening the life of a person in this country as that of a dog which indeed is very true but sad.

During the elections, the youths were promised that they would be incorporated in leadership and jobs would be created but years later, nothing has happened. This were all lies to get our attention for it is very clear that the government is no place for the youth but for old folks. How do we have a man in his 80’s spear heading a docket that is meant for the youth? How will he relate with the needs of the youth.

One of the may drafts that has been lying idle.

A question that makes me go blank.

What have you been up to?
This is one of the scariest and nerve racking questions that I have had to answer and the final outlet from my mouth has left a trail of guilt knowing that again I have to go back to my creator to seek forgiveness lest I will not see the Promised Land. This has crippled my texting game for some of the conversations have not gone past that question for I do not want to sprinkle salt to the answer and later have to explain why there is no food to accompany it.

In the past I had no problem with that question for I was an open book but I have come to realize the answer is enough to define a person and gauge them and later make a decision whether they are worthy being in one’s company. I was so proud to answer that question especially when I had projects that were still in the initiation phase which were promising to see the light of the day once executed and take me off the peasant list but how wrong I was because they collapsed once they were off the ground. I suffered double shame when I would come across this people again and I had to explain what happened and from my judgment their response was not genuine for there wasn’t sympathy in their faces. It taught me to keep my mouth shut, and experience loosing and winning in private.

We have gotten to a space in time if you do not look the part or at least create a perception of perfection according to today’s standards, then something is wrong with you. The society pressure has led to massive numbers of people to feel inadequate which most detest, so the ego rests on the quality of the answer whereby one upgrades it to match society expectations.

What have you been up to nowadays?

Right now it’s a little bit worse especially now I’m done with school, last year I would have answered “I’m in school” and it would have covered up for the question but now I’ve closed that chapter. There is that shame of acknowledging that nothing extra-ordinary is going on with your life (which is not wrong By the way) so that’s when you spice it a little bit and again if there is something on the move you want to keep it private unless it needs support from the public.

It’s a question that I detest and I always will because the aim behind it, is treacherous and whenever I am on the receiving end it makes me very uncomfortable for I feel it’s more of an interrogation. A simple answer that is indirect and does not give too much details is what should be the reply for people who are private. If they insist on getting more details one can tell the person that that’s private and you’d rather talk about something else

Does anyone feel uncomfortable? Or am I just being petty!

Chit Chat: How my year has been!

2020 has been one year that I felt as though I was sailing on the vast ocean without seeing any landmark to indicate the progress of time but finally we are nearing the end. It feels December came faster than it normally does, as if i closed our eyes in March and when I opened, it was end of year. I was reflecting on how the year has been and I realized I did not have extra-ordinary milestones externally that are visible but on the inside it’s been progress since I have been focusing on improving myself. I’m no longer the same person as I was before the lockdown something that I am grateful for.

As the year began I was looking forward to a fruitful year and I was among those holding the placards high, written “2020 will be my year” and the universe must have been laughing secretly. All things are guided by reason that is vast and universal that I cannot see, is a point that 2020 has forcefully driven home.

I was in my final semester looking forward to complete my university studies then move forward to the next chapter. If you are in the public university you are aware of the lecturer’s strike that lasted for about 6 months and this translated to additional years. I was tired of being in the classroom and no longer was I passionate about the course I was doing. I was one week away from doing my finals and very excited then our president announced a lockdown and my ears couldn’t believe it, Not Again!!!I had also started a small project around February but it never saw the light of the day due to the lockdown.

After a few weeks of being idle I started reading novels that had been collecting dust and were unfinished while some untouched. This was what kept me company and also watching movies once in a while as I looked forward to going back to school in June since there were rumors going around, it would have been eradicated by then.(Again, the universe must have been giggling)

At around May I began feeling extremely lonely. I had tried to keep in contact with people but after a while it came to my realization, if I didn’t contact them first, I would never hear from them and decided to reciprocate where the effort was mutual not one sided, so this left me with just a few friends.

At the beginning of the year I made a decision which I thought carefully about, to severe ties with my then best friend. It came to my realization of how I had been dragged into a lot of nonsense that was extremely toxic and I was left with no choice other than go separate ways. It’s a decision that I do not regret at all.

Fast forward to June, a disagreement happened with a person who I have always treasured and it gave birth to a discord that till today has not yet been mended. It opened a wound that I am uncertain will ever heal but I’m grateful it never bleeds anymore. I tried to do everything in my capacity to ensure that our bond would be restored but my efforts were futile and I cried everyday as I watched it go down the drain till hitherto I still do. I still revisit what transpired that day to get the answers as to what I’d have done/said wrongly that gave birth to the resentment they have for me. I have never disrespected them and I did everything to put a smile on their face but this never mattered as they treated me with disrespect. I have learnt to live with it but at first when the wound was fresh and bleeding profusely, it was the most painful period for me where I would drown in depths of sorrow with no one to lift me up and I was numb. I can say I was almost in the depths of depression. I can only hope that the passage of time will remedy this.

A single moment of misunderstanding is sometimes so poisonous that it makes us forget within a minute the hundred lovable moments together.

I love solving problems on my own and rarely do I feel the need to ask for help unless I feel it’s beyond me since I don’t like to be viewed as a weak creature. I fought this battle on my own but afterwards I couldn’t do it and that is when I looked for help from our heavenly Father. Everything changed drastically and finally I felt as though the moon was lighting up the darkness that was engulfing me.
“Most would agree that we learn more about God from difficult times than from happy times.”
I thought all along I was alone but when I opened that door and let Him in, in my life, since then I have felt I have a companion who will always be there for me and I can always reach out any time. I prayed, started reading the bible and began doing meditation which was of great help in getting out of the hole of despair.

I have always wanted to write and I had been procrastinating writing from January and whenever I was ready, I felt I did not meet the threshold of being labelled a writer thus second guessing myself. But this situation (above) propelled the urge to start writing and put my content out here, furthermore I would remain anonymous so I wouldn’t risk being judged. My first blog premiered on 8th June and months later, I’m grateful that WordPress has been a platform I have dumped my thoughts. Whenever I see my blog, I will always remember it came alive as a result of pain and heartache.

I called it moonlit, the short form of moonlight which means illuminated by the light from the moon. The moon provides light during the night when there is total darkness. At that point it was dark and writing would provide light in my total darkness.

I was in solitude for the rest of the months and I had an opportunity to not only learn things I didn’t know about myself but also reflect on life. (All great and precious things are built in solitude and they grow out of it.)

I decided to take a step back from all social media platforms to enable me to concentrate on ME, find time to read and also write. Being an introvert never have I ever had any problem spending time in my own company therefore the new norm didn’t have a huge effect on me but there are times I did crave the outside world.(I like being alone but I hate being lonely). My family was really epic and I kept in contact with my sisters who were miles away from me. I also formed close friendships and I’m grateful for that.

Around October I went back to school and wrote my final 8-4-4 system paper on 3rd November 2020 and I was really excited. My graduation never happened this year as I had expected but at least the huge task is complete. Now it’s getting into the other chapter which is stressful but I’ll hold onto hope.

It’s a year that I have grown mentally, spiritually and it’s been a journey of self-development. I am drunk on self-love for it has sky-rocketed. I have closely examined myself and understood what I am capable of and unlocked my potential during the quarantine. This are the great things that I am proud of and I am in a happy with myself.

Thank you 2020 for still being amazing.

What if we could see ahead?

Recently I have been reading books written by my favorite author Danielle Steel and she has a way of grasping your attention and emotions fully till you can’t let go. I don’t know if there is any of her books that I have read without getting emotional, because she has a way of taking you to the highest peak where you enjoy the view then slowly by slowly you begin to slide to the valleys. I am that kind that puts myself in the shoes of the main character and that is the joy of reading because one gets to live 1000 life times for you get to exercise your imagination. As I was reading one of her books “the long road home” it got to that point the main character was going through calamity after calamity and I kind of paused a bit because I was in tears and I knew the worst was yet to come.

Guess what I did, my curiosity took the better part of me, I began scrolling to the other chapters to see whether the main character would get to experience at least snippets of joy but somehow I stopped. That is because that would kill the urge for me to read knowing the outcome.
Immediately I thought, what if it was possible to see ahead of our lives and what awaits us, how would we behave?

If I could see ahead of me,
For only one short year,
What joys would cause my heart to leap?
What trials would bring me fear?

I compare my life to a book and now I’m in chapter 22 and have no idea what the other chapters have in store for me. People say that our decisions in every chapter play a huge role on how our next chapters will turn out just like the main character in a book. The people we meet and choose to interact with also play a role. But after the corona outbreak, sometimes how the next chapters will turn out is at times beyond our control. In every chapter there are different experiences, some which bring happiness, tears while others bring pain that has no peak but all along there are lessons to be carried forward.

What if it was possible to peruse, would I live my life differently. Would I change my decisions, behaviors and friends? Definitely, I believe there are certain things that I would change especially if my life would be turning out not as expected.

Failure is inevitable in life and to make it worse, we don’t know how long it will go on before the success comes. What if you knew that you would have to fail for 7 or 18 years before your break through comes? Would that even give you the morale to live?
Tragedies will always be there in life, how different would you live your life once you saw them in the future and knowing they will happen in certain timelines.

I think there is a reason we do not get to see the future because that would steal our ability to live in the moment and experience it.

If I could see ahead of me,
Two pitfalls would be near,
I would find no happiness today,
Because of future fear.

What if I saw my life turning out exactly how I have crafted it in my mind and even much better than I had expected it. I definitely would not enjoy the present moment or make the best out of it, since I would be looking forward to the future, but I know I would worry less.

The plan is wise, dear father God,
To veil it from our sight,
And keep the future safely hid,
In shades of deepest night.
~ Poem by L.B

I think I would like to know if what I am doing currently will yield any fruits, that wouldn’t instill any fear.
What if you would see ahead? Is it a pro or con to see ahead?

We need to have the ‘TALK’

Growing up cases of teenage pregnancies were rare and unheard of but recently they are rising at an alarming rate which is indeed shocking. Let me just give you a glimpse of my naivety, when I was a teenager never did I think that a 14 year old girl was even capable of getting pregnant considering also the fact that I had never seen one until my last year in high school which was a confirmation to my doubts.

The shocking statistics have aroused different suggestions, one being introduction of sex education. We can no longer deny that teens have become exploratory and want to learn more about their bodies something is way beyond anyone’s control. They are exposed to vulgarity, obscenity and pornography at an early age which has an effect on their thoughts and behavior thus leading them into the sex den while very young. The fact that young teens are having sex among older men and their age mates has caught many by surprise. Looking back I think I am the most naïve teenager to have ever existed on the phase of the earth but I’m grateful for that because if I wasn’t, it could have been worse furthermore it never affected me in anyway. Actually, I thought I was naïve not until I came across a lady who told me she had taken birth control pills after kissing a guy.

I have never heard a sit down with anyone to be given THE TALK and I have had to figure it on my own. The only talk that I was given which was in figurative speech but luckily it took me all through my teen years “close your legs, lest you will get pregnant and your life will be ruined” and nothing else was said beyond that sentence. This is because the word itself was a taboo to be mentioned and it was only mentioned in private.

There are many parties to blame in this picture since it takes two to make one pregnant but as for now I won’t do that. We need this talks so that this young girls can have an idea of what they are getting themselves into and also know their rights because I believe the sex from which the pregnancies result is rarely consensual. We can’t afford to shy away from this topic for our teens should be in school bettering their lives not taking care of kids. It’s time we have this talk openly for we are failing them when we choose to be silent.

It’s always women compromising, why?

I came across this discussion online of why women in marriages/relationship take back their cheating spouses whereas men find it very difficult to do it. “A man would never take back his wife or girlfriend if she cheated so why on earth should a women take back her husband or boyfriend?

I am not in any position to judge the decision of any woman who is in a marriage/relationship since I have not yet treaded on that path and have no idea of the challenges that are encountered furthermore it is the wearer of the shoe who knows where it pinches. Though it stiff baffles me of why this women go ahead to compromise( but what do I know of love) and forgive their spouses after such a gruesome betrayal but if it was the other way round the woman is impaled on the horns of the society alter, where all sorts of ugly words are thrown towards her. She is viewed as a disappointment to her husband for tarnishing his reputation, a prostitute and a manner less woman who no man should be associated with. Why is there little room for a woman’s mistake? But for a man he is excused because it is perceived that he is incapable of having one partner who can satisfy his animal passions and cannot control the sexual appetite. The level of disrespect the society has accorded our women and how we have become insensitive to her feelings that whenever their partners cheat on them we tell them that a man is bound to cheat, so she should bear with it, which indeed is very disgusting. I hate how we have normalized the art of cheating knowing of the risks that it is associated with that pose a threat to the wellbeing of a woman especially mentally. Why are we honoring cheating yet it is something we should be totally against.

Women who have to deal with a cheating partner are directly blamed for neglecting their husbands since it is perceived that their duty is to guard them at all corners as though their toddlers. In most cases marriage is a mutual consent and I don’t understand why the responsibility of ensuring that it stands still through the storm is left on the hands of a woman and furthermore in most cases it’s the gentleman who initiates marriage. It sickens me whenever a woman is painted as a creature who was brought into this earth to suffer and should persevere through it all and act as though nothing is going on behind the curtains. That it is a wife’s duty to meet her partner with a smile, always with a smile no matter what sins her husband commits. We are not born into this earth to be slaves of men and sacrifice our happiness at the expense of keeping a grown up man happy, that is not our duty. I have nothing to say to those who insist that women ought to love their spouses because it’s their duty.

There is this celebrity couple in the states that many people say they are goals not until the husband cheated on her and went to apologize nationally and all applauded him for taking that brave step. How is coming forward about being unfaithful something to be applauded for. Is there any pride in that? I wondered what the reaction would have been, if it was the other way round. Why is it always the women forgiving? A woman will take back a spouse who cheats but a man will never do that but if he does, he ensures that she goes through hell a lives a joyless life.

Anyway from my small school of thoughts in relationships “A clean confession combined with a promise never to commit sin again, when offered before one who has right to receive it, is the purest type of repentance. “We are all bound to fall anyway but if a decent man trips he should seek forgiveness and change his ways. I am that kind of person who forgives but never forgets and I wonder if those relationships go back to the same position they were in before the sin was committed. I do not think my relationship would survive cheating regardless of the number of apologies poured and “figuring it out” is beyond me, ‘as in’ I do not have the energy for that. Infidelity isn’t an accident, it is a conscious decision to have sex with someone you are married to.

I believe no woman should ever be associated with a man who does not cherish her esteem or affections. Cheating is wrong and I believe love does not hurt and if it does, then it isn’t love.

It’s always women compromising, why?

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