Letters: This is why I never got into a relationship with you.


Hope this finds you well for it’s time to get this off my chest. I have learnt to never settle for less than the best which is what I deserve. I was never in any serious relationship with this men but I had a liking towards them but not romantically.
I’ve been in love with someone that didn’t love me back, and I’ve been loved by someone that I didn’t love back. I don’t know which is worse: to be broken or to break another soul?


Dear Brian,
I met you while I was still in high school and I vividly remember how our paths did cross each other on one Sunday afternoon as I was coming out of the shop while you were from church. You were behind me (probably admiring my tiny ass) as I walked with a bag in my hand and I was distracted with this s**y voice saying “Excuse me, umeangusha 50 bob”. I looked down only for you to say it’s a lie and a beautiful laugh emanated from you which I laughed along to. Immediately you introduced yourself and your voice was the most beautiful thing I had ever heard coming from a man (smooth plus gentle) and I must admit it made my heart skip a bit. We walked together and got to know each other and by then you were a student in Strathmore University pursuing Information Technology. I got to know that you were also a church leader and within the 15 minutes we walked I got to laugh and truly enjoyed your company and I gave you my digits for I desired to be in your presence again.


Immediately we would chat in the middle of the night and you’d tell me all the sweet words that I was desperate to hear (they would make me jump in my room) and days later our conversations became all sexual. I was naïve by then and I started learning new things that I didn’t know about and it was because of you. You’d tell me from your side how the heat was in containable and your messages were nasty to a point I was disgusted and had to tell you to stop it. (I might have been young but there are things I couldn’t entertain). You apologized and you surely did stop it but our conversations dwindled as days went by. I went back to school and during mid-term I’d text you and other days tell my friends who would go home in between the term to say hi to you.


I finished high school and you were the only friend I knew who was in campus and I surely wanted to get to hear from you about your experience since that was my next chapter. I wanted us to meet but I got bored with how insecure you were with yourself. I looked like a dummy myself(with high school fat, big burst, protruding belly) but I didn’t care and each day you’d talk of how you were short, had a pimpled face and you looked down on yourself even after I told you, I appreciated how you were. No one is perfect and I do not judge people by their appearance but the content they have in them. The day we had agreed to meet, you decided to switch off your phone and it annoyed me to the core. You were a pure soul but afterwards I started seeing your insecurities and started viewing you just like you did.


You tried to reach out for a few months but I quickly told you I had moved on which was a lie. You were an amazing human being but I wished you’d not look down on yourself for there was so much potential in you. There was so much goodness in you but I couldn’t date a man who kept on singing about his insecurities and I’m sorry about that. I have mine but I present myself out there very confidently and I would have expected you to do the same. Hope you are now in a great space.

With Love,From Leah.

Dear Kevin,
Why were you boring?
How we met is not that interesting but let me just talk about it. It was right after high school around May when I joined this university for computer classes then you came in one month later and the lecturer requested that I should lend you my book so you can copy the notes and that’s how I got to know you. For the rest of the months we were just classmates since we never got to interact closely so I wouldn’t say we were friends.


After we completed the computer classes that’s when you decided to take my number from the whatsapp group and text which I found really annoying for all along, we did vibe but never did you ask for my number only for you to say you thought I was in a relationship. You just assumed and never asked. (This is why some guys remain bachelors) .Anyway, I did let that go and I thought probably I was petty. (I am the queen of pettiness).
This is where you began pouring your heart out of how you had a crush on me (it doesn’t get me by surprise, I’m so used to this) and trying to shoot weak shots which died before they got to me. I was patient because if there is one thing I have learnt is to accommodate people as long as they are respectful and know their position. We kept the wheel rolling as friends with the boring conversations but I tried to spice them up therefore it gave me the opportunity to enjoy being the king of the jungle. I would roar and you would obey for I was now the commander in chief and it’s a role I played perfectly.


I had just turned 18 years old and having read uncountable romantic novels in the wattpadd application, I felt that it was time to make what I was reading my reality and you were the first to come in thought (I like brown skin guys and that’s why I did consider you). I never saw you being part of my future but in my mind I felt it was right if I did it with you(to do away with it) and at that point in time I had no conviction just a teenager who wanted to live life. I never made it obvious and never did you read the signs and when I look back I’m so grateful that your eyes were shut in that period I got to know you, because probably I’d be looking back and having a trail of guilt plus shame.


I hated the only constructive conversation we would have was how beautiful I am and how you intend to spend the rest of my life with me.(I’d roll my eyes for I couldn’t imagine it). I hated how you would apologize all the time for small things such as not replying in time and forgetting to profess your love. I would open your text and immediately I would be on the verge of going into a comma (the same old nonsense) and that is how I became the queen of blue ticks till date.


Why did I hang around? You were going through so much with your parents’ divorce and I did not want to be the salt in the wound causing it to bleed further. Each day you became obsessed with me and I decided to end the dramatic and boring ‘situation ship’ we had (for my initial plan didn’t prevail) for you added nothing to my life experience and all you did was take, take and take yet you never did give. Imagine I do not have any memories of joy with you all I have is boredom. I am even bored while writing about you.


I still remember when you called while sobbing in the middle of the night and threatened to commit suicide because I said I did not want to be your girlfriend. Why would you do that? I was in a state of shock just begging you to reconsider your decision and almost went mad. I decided to delete your number and never heard anything from you until 3 years later in 2019 but I kept in contact with your cousin who told me of your progress.
You were still boring (OMG) thought that you’d have changed. You gave me a chance to select where you’d want us to meet and I did the honors (I still wanted to confirm if this is the guy that almost ruined my life by threatening to leave a letter that I was the cause of what he wanted to do) and when we met up you delayed by 20 minutes. I was very angry and that is why once we got in the restaurant I decided to order the most expensive food while you drank a cup of coffee and I would see the veins of anger in your face but I didn’t care for I couldn’t take cheap food and be a part of a boring conversation.
Anyway, all the best in your life but you need to up your game.


From Leah.

Moses
You are such a disgrace to the originator of that name. I am ashamed to have even crossed paths with you and if I saw you again I would just pretend I don’t know you. I’m glad nothing ever happened between us for you loved your alcohol more and you hugged it tight.

Dear Edwin,
You are indeed a beautiful soul and whoever will find you will be lucky plus it’s my hope you found happiness and someone to explore life with. I really enjoyed your company.
I will go back to how I got to meet you. It was one evening as I was having a conversation with my friend who informed me that she had a cousin who happened to be single and was looking for ‘somebody’ and she felt that I was the right candidate. I decided why not give it a shot furthermore I was single but had no plan of being a part of something serious for I felt my puzzle was not complete. (I was going through a tough period in my life).


We kicked it off with whatsapp conversations that would go past midnight and I must say you were interesting just like your life was and this got me hooked to the phone. I kept on postponing our meet up and one day accompanied by your cousin we finally got to meet and sincerely speaking I did not like what I saw but your beautiful plus pure soul made me overlook that. We enjoyed the day and we kept the wheel rolling with endless phone calls and texts and my cheeks would hurt from smiling.
I remember our second date was in the movie theatre (garden city) where we were only four people and that’s where you decided to blow me a kiss and my lips which had been in dry spell season for ages were very receptive. Afterwards we ate and later went to watch the sky which was adorned with numerous stars plus the moon, which fascinated you and till date I never understood your magnetism towards them. As we started getting to know each other the more you became vulnerable and I realized how much of a broken guy you were. I would call and your shaky voice would answer and I’d know you were on the verge of tears something that would break my heart. I have always felt the responsibility towards people who are broken and be there for them then try to fix them. You were in one of the prestigious universities here in Kenya and I did advice you to go see a counsellor to help you and give advice for your case was not to be taken lightly. The fact that you kept on talking about death really scared me.


We met several times later and our connection continued getting deeper while I started being cautious of the route that we were heading to. I realized how I was your route to happiness but things started getting heated and I had already made a line on the ground with my 6 inch high stiletto which we were not going to go beyond. We would play all the games but I tried so hard not to get close to that line because my intention was to make you a wolf howling at a moon you’d never have which you eventually became.


We were two different people and I knew somehow if I got into the ocean of love there are things I’d have to compromise which I was unwilling to do. I wanted you to make a small act of faith in my direction and probably the greatest barrier would fall bit by bit. You were an atheist while I was a Christian who was drawing closer to God, you were an alcoholic while I was a soberer, you were short while I was almost piercing the sky, you were a softie while I was hardcore, you were living the life of the party while I was an established homebody and many more differences that I’d do the equation and I did not need a calculator to get the answer.
I had no idea how I would tell you but there was need to stop this game because one of us would come out of the field totally wounded. I never told you anything but our communication started fading away which was my joy and that is how it ended up.


One year later we re-united after I reached out because your cousin informed me you’d kept on asking about me. I did not know I had made a huge mistake because you now thought and was hopeful something beautiful would come out of this, this time round but I had to make it clear from the word go. You were heartbroken but I had no choice. I knew that another person could do well where I might had done harm, could have helped but not hurt could be your peace and comfort.
All the best.
From Leah.


There are others in between but I don’t intend on wasting time writing about them. I decided to write this after reading letters of women narrating why they were cheating on their husbands (Don’t joke with women)and since I don’t have a lover I decided to write letters to this men as to why I never dated them. I’m so selective and I wonder is there something wrong with me. Imagine this guys are in relationships and one already is a father,!!1like how!!!!

7 Comments Add yours

  1. Jadwong says:

    Awesome peace. Raw and relatable.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Leah says:

      Thank you.

      Like

  2. Ba.rt_99 says:

    damn you so brave for this now i know i got to stay careful around this gender,
    beautiful piece though. cold too

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Leah says:

      You must be careful. This gender ”ni moto wa kuotea mbali”😁
      Thanks for reading.
      I also had the feeling that it was cold but I had to state my truth.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Leah says:

      Thanks 💓

      Like

  3. Liah says:

    💜💜

    Like

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